Fear: How do we process fear to get through daily life

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now, I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

-Rachel Platten

I've been jamming to this song for the past few weeks, feeling like I'm performing on Broadway. The lyrics really resonate with me since I'm going through my own struggles right now. Music has always been my comfort, like snuggling up in a warm blanket during tough times. I'm working on a new playlist for those late-nights as I try to drift off to sleep, so if you have any song recommendations, I'd love to hear them!

Maybe I should dress in costume to all the DR appointments to really draw the attention!

My anxiety feels like I'm wandering through a never-ending dark forest, not knowing where I'm headed, kind of like Belle heading straight for the Beast without a clue! (Gotta love a Disney nod!) So much about my condition is a total mystery, and as the detective in this story, my questions just keep coming. Let me break down some of the thoughts that swirl around in my head consistently, using that classic storyline recap we all learned back in elementary school.

- Who can help me figure this out?

- What does my future hold?

- Where did Sarcoid come from?

- When can I get back to feeling normal?

- How do I keep moving forward with such a lack of research and factual information?

- Why is this happening to me?!

Oh how life changes us!

I’ve started jotting down questions for my trip to the Mayo Clinic in March. I’ve got some doctor meetings lined up to go over all my test results in detail. I’m trying to get myself ready so I don’t end up a total mess! (Let’s be real, I’ll probably shed some tears.) I’ve got a lot riding on this, and I’m doing my best to stay as positive as I can. If this visit doesn’t lead to a solid plan, I might just lose it… Alex, since you’re my support for part of this journey, brace yourself for a ride filled with pot holes that crumble on impact!

Today, when I called the airline to set up a wheelchair for the airport, I completely lost it. What if there are steps to deal with on the jetway? What if I have to tackle those crazy movable stairs on the tarmac? I can’t handle steps by myself right now because I’d just end up taking a tumble… and you’d think my extra padding on my fat ass would help, but trust me, landing on my back isn’t graceful. It’s so humiliating to be 41 and needing assistance to board a plane! I feel like I’ve officially become that person… I can already sense the judgment from other passengers about my walker, back brace, and weight. Honestly, I’d probably judge myself too. These little hits I take every day in the ring really knock me down a peg and soon I’ll have no pride left.

Love this song… maybe I should get a boom box and play this while I am being rolled through the airport!

Honestly, I feel like a lot of my thoughts can be boiled down to one thing: fear. I'm scared of how others perceive me and the judgment that comes with it. I'm worried about not making progress and my body letting me down. There's this fear of having to say goodbye to the people I care about, or worse, not getting the chance to say goodbye at all. I dread the thought of leaving my kids behind and missing out on their lives. I also worry about not being able to travel, enjoy retirement, or be a grandparent with my husband. And then there's the fear of what the doctors might discover or say next... It's this overwhelming fear that really ramps up my anxiety and takes over my thoughts and feelings. Not sure there is much to do about the fear aside from stuffing it in the back of my mind like a crumpled up receipt in the pocket of your jeans. Really the way I end up processing is through humor and laughing at myself; best form of therapy….. nope but I have to keep holding on from falling off the tight rope I’m walking daily.

Overcoming the fear is easier said than done.

I am hopeful that  getting these emotions out of my head will help to paint a picture of what I’m dealing with daily. I’m super grateful for my friends who keep checking in on me with calls and texts, visiting me at the hospital, stopping by my house (which feels like a prison) to hang out, sending meals to take one task off the daily to do list and sending me funny gifts, pictures, and memes to lift my spirits! Those little moments remind me of the love and hope around me. Knowing I have friends and family as my support system makes me realize I’m not alone in this fight. Honestly, it can feel like I’m in a tiny rowboat all by myself in a shark-filled ocean, just trying to stay afloat. Having all of you around helps me to still have moments of hope and reasons to smile. Thank you….. you know who you are and the judgment free, no strings attached support is appreciated more than you will ever know.